Life’s too short for bad lube.
Believe you me-I’ve been on the business end of some bad lube. I’ll never forget that half-crystallized bottle of Grape Motion Lotion Uncle Ted hid in his glove compartment. That’s one sticky memory. Anyhoo, it’s true that sex lubricants do come in a rainbow variety of Boone’s Farms flavors but seriously-fuck that shit. Edible lotions are for teenagers and people who want to lure them into their Windstars.
No, a good lube is totally clear, and like a good joke, completely tasteless. I’m in the market for the good stuff so I’ve asked the friendly folks at TabuToys.com to provide me with a list of their top 10 selling sex lubricants for me to rate and compare. This will be an epic task requiring a cast-iron stomach and a sturdy wrist. But now it looks like I’m stalling and as Jane Gumb says, “It put’s the lotion on the skin or it get’s the hose.” Let’s do this thing:
#10. Astroglide
Old Faithful.
Taste: Starts out sweet and finishes with a bitter aftertaste.
Viscosity: Thin and smooth until it morphs into a creepy mess of interconnected strands of lube-slime. Perfect if you want your pussy to do an imitation of an alien mouth in a Ridley Scott movie.
Performance: Meh. It’s still better than KY. Maybe Astroglide should change it’s name to “Better than KY.”
Astroglide Trivia: Rosie O’Donnell claims that when she was a member of “The View” and close to Barbara Walters, Walters recommended Astroglide to her. Excited yet?
Who it’s for: Barbara, Rosie and their 12 inch strap-on, “Big Sal.”
Ingredients: Purified water, Glycerine, Propylene Glycol, Polyquaternium 15, Methyparaben, Propylparaben
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A cheap date.
Taste: A balanced acidity and complexity that dances across the tongue like 1000 nimble-toed nymphs. Who am I kidding? Get it the fuck out of my mouth.
Viscosity: Not too thick, not too thin.
Performance: It’s the Ford Festiva of the lubricant world: Economy priced with decent mileage. Get’s a little tacky after extended fornication, but also like your Mother, it’s so cheap you can probably buy it with food stamps.
Product notes: The no-mess pump dispenser is a bonus. No more tell-tale lube prints on the remote control!
Who it’s for: Ratt Reunion Show Groupies, Your Mom.
Ingredients: Aloe Vera, Nettle Extract, Rosemary, Balm Mint, Ginseng, Water, Glycerine, Hydroxythyl, Ethylcellulose, Diazolidinyl Urea, Carbopol, Sodium benzoate, Methylparaben, PEG 6-32, Triethanolamine, Nonylphenol, Citric Acid.
…
Nothin's gonna change my lube for you.
Taste: Lightly sweet. Like love’s first kiss carried on a butterfly’s wings or some such shit.
Viscosity: Kama Sutra calls it “whisper like.” I call it “water like.”
Performance: If her lady-skillet only requires a gentle misting of Pam you may prefer this to the heavier stuff.
Product notes: “No parabens” means “no irritation” but don’t take that as a license to get freaky. The lightweight Glycerine base will dry out during rough sex, turning what once was a romantic interlude into a painful, burning descent into Hell.
Random Musings: Here’s what I would consider an ideal scenario for this product: It’s 1979 and a couple is sipping Lancers at a Steak & Ale on their first date. The gentleman turns to his companion and whispers in her ear, “Sweet Lady, you are so foxy. We should be making love under the moonlight..with this Kama Sutra Love Lubricant.” He produces the bottle conveniently hidden in his man-perm and they embrace as the lights dim and Seals & Croft plays in the background. At least that’s how I picture it going down.
Who it’s for: The middle-aged couple in the Cialis commercial.
Ingredients: Water, Glycerin, Propylene Glycol, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Tetrasodium EDTA, Sodium Benzoate, Citric Acid
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#7. Eros Power Cream
In the Navy.
Taste: TASTE? This is Eros Power Cream, Twink. Shut up and like it.
Viscosity: “Vaselinesque”, if you will. When you need a thicker bodyglide this pro-sodomy lube is as thick as it gets almost paste-like. This is one tough lube designed for tough sex. Rough sex. Manly sex. The container is practically wearing a handlebar mustache.
Performance: Oh, you say you don’t like it “that way?” Just a dab of Power Cream will turn you into the Fulton Street Leather Daddy of Clay Aiken’s dreams. Grease up your big anal toys, butt beads and traffic cones without fear of the dreaded ass burn -aka- “Dante’s Inferno.” Just don’t use it with your silicone sex toys.
Product note: Holy crap, this stuff lasts. That means you’ll need soap, water and a pressure sprayer to get rid of the residue unless you want to leave a snail trail on your walk of shame to the bus stop. And no, I don’t have cab fare.
Random Musings: With respect to the “bucket-style” container..An unrepentant pillow-biter like yourself should have no problem fisting a bowl of goo, but non-deviants may find it a tad messy.
Who it’s for: American Idol Contestants, Pee-Wee Baseball Coaches
Ingredients: Aqua, Dimethicone, Carbomer, Sodium Hydroxide, Propylene Glycol, Benzyl Alcohal, Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methyllisothiazolinonel
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#6. Intimate Organics Hydra Lubricant
Lube the one you're with.
Taste: Despite it’s hippie credentials Hydra does not taste or smell like one.
Viscosity: Light formula doesn’t get thicker with extended use. It just “goes with the flow” as they say. It tunes in and doesn’t drop out. Like the doorbell said, it feeds your head. Is this stuff laced with something?
Performance: Groovy with a side of way out.
Product Notes: Contains everything but Birkenstock extract and Jerry Garcia’s doormat. And like a Greatful Dead jam session, it lasts forever (though with this stuff you’ll actually be enjoying it.)
Ingredients: Hippies, Aqua, Glycerin, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Methylisothiazolinone (and) Phenethyl Alcohol (and) PPG-2-Methyl Ether, Water (and) Alcohol (and) Certified Organic Lycium Barbarum (Goji Berry) Fruit Extract (and) Certified Organic Cymbopogon Schoenanthus (Lemon Grass) Leaf/Stem Extract (and) Certified Organic Aloe Barbadensis (Aloe) Leaf Extract
..
#5. Wet Naturals Beautifully Bare
A wholesome part of a nutritious breakfast.
Taste: I wouldn’t put it on a Ritz.
Viscosity: Rich (yet light) texture
Performance: Face it, ingredients like Tetrosodium EDTA and Hydroxyethyl Cellulose sound about as natural as Octomom’s lips. Nevertheless, it does not contain the two most common irritants: Glycerine and Paraben. In simple terms, it’s less likely to make it burn when you pee. Why don’t they just put that on the label?Additional Notes: Wet’s Natural Formula contains Aloe Vera, Vitamin E, Vitamin C and Cranberry Extract. That means your junk is going to get a healthier breakfast than you will.
Who it’s for: I can picture Madonna pouring this on the trembling abs of a South American male model as he tries to chew through his restraints. Virgen María, alguien podría ayudarme?!!!
Ingredients: Water, PEG, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Polysorbate 20, Sodium Benzoate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Triethanolamine, Citric Acid, Carbomer, Tetrasodium EDTA, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Citrus Grandis (Grapefruit) Seed Extract, Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Vitis Vinifera (Grape) Seed Extract, Vaccinium Macrocarpon (Cranberry) Fruit Extract, Trifolium Pratense (Clover) Flower Extract, Ascorbic Acid #4.
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Gives you wings.
Taste: I’d rather sip Natural Light out of Satan’s ass.
Viscosity: Nice medium weight. It’ almost the same consistancy as hair-gel, though unlike hair gel, this stuff won’t leave your hand glued to your hoo-ha. So I’ve heard.
Performance: Great. Plus it washes away clean leaving behind only the shame.
Product Notes: This “arousal-inducing tingle” business probably has something to do with the Menthol and Arginine content. Since you asked, Menthol triggers the cold-sensitive nerves in the skin without actually providing a drop in temperature. L-Arginine is an amino acid said to increase circulation. It’s also reported to aggravate certain STD’s so members of Team Herpes and the Hilton family should use with caution.
Random Musings: After applying this lubricant to my nether regions I did not evaporate into a purple cloud of orgasmic vapor as I was led to believe. However, it did give me a subtle tingle that complimented my choice of porn beautifully. I’d recommend this lube served at room temperature with Rocco’s Animal Trainer Part 3.
Ingredients: Water Purified (Aqua), Glycerin, Propylene Glycol, Cellulose Polymer, Polyethylene Oxide, Sodium Benzoate, Ginkgo Biloba Leaf Extract, Trifolium Pratense Flower Extract (Red Clover), Methylparaben, Carbomer 981, Tetrahydroxypropyl Ethylenediamine, Diazolidinyl Urea, EDTA, Flavor, Menthol
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In it to win it.
Taste: A little bitter but it doesn’t make me want to donate my tongue to the tissue bank.
Viscosity: Warms quickly to body heat and feels alot like a high quality olive oil. Drizzle it over sex toys, condoms and pizza.
Performance: Excellent. System JO is a water-based lube that acts like a Silicone Lube.
Product Notes: Perfect for all manner of fuckery: Vaginal sex, Anal sex, Make-up sex, and the nerd sex you had during GameCon that you don’t like to talk about.
Unintentionally funny: System JO’s douche worthy attempt at a corporate marketing slogan- “Formulated to help you achieve your desired goals.” Really? I’m not sure how a lubricant is going to help you land that corner office you’ve been gunning for..unless featuring it prominantly on your desk while you proffer your upturned ass to your employer is System JO’s idea of a subtle hint. Either way, I’m in.
Ingredients: Propylparaben, Methylparaben, Sodium Carboxymethyl Cellulose, Glycerine, Water
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The Drama Queen
Taste: None.
Viscosity: Light and silky. Feels more like a moisturizer.
Performance: Even the most delicate hypochondriacs will be impressed by Eros Woman’s ability to lubricate without irritation or setting off a yeast-bomb. However, it will not prevent post-coital weeping.
Product Notes: Do you have a touchy pussy? Is it sensitive and bitchy? Didn’t get the attention you deserved as a child? Got a Malibu Dream House when you really wanted a pony? Well, this formula is dermatologist tested and contains skin-safe moisturizers so it feels like a hug in a bottle. A big, slimey hug! That’s because Eros Woman is about YOUR wants and YOUR needs..Because don’t you deserve the very best? Wait..Why are you crying? Unlock the goddamn bathroom door Wendy!
Who it’s for: Just follow the trail of emotional baggage, kleenex and Tramadol prescriptions.
Ingredients: Aqua, Prozac, Glycerin, Ethoxydiglycol, Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Citric Acid, Benzyl Alcohol, Methylisothiazolinone, Methylchloroisothiazolinone
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Das Lube
Taste: None.
Viscosity: Goes on warm, feels like a dream and asserts it’s superiority over other lubes with an iron fist..an iron fist choking a chicken. Congratulations Pjur Eros, you do not suck.
Performance: Even after hours of use Eros Classic provides outstanding lubrication. See, the Germans are a little funny about this thing called “quality and efficiency” so they use D5, the superior form of medical-grade silicone (that sounds like it was invented in a secret Luftwaffe bunker.) Other companies use the less expensive D3 grade silicone like the Blöde Fotzes that they are.
Product Notes: Eros’s Silicone base gives it a leg up in the durability department over just about any water-based formula on the market. The kicker is, it won’t play with your jelly and silicone sex toys. Just keep a bottle of Eros Water-based on backup to be on the safe side.
Additional Thoughts: Oh, you know those stains in your sheets? Not coming out. Ever.
Ingredients: Cyclopentasiloxane, Dimethicone, Dimethiconol
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I laughed a lot reading this post – and ending up reading the entire thing out loud to my husband. Thank you for all the hard you that you, your pussy, and your wrist have put in to this!
xx Dee
One of the best reviews I have read! Spot on and wickedly funny.
This was fantastic. I was laughing so hard I kept getting the stink eye from people around me. Awesome review and great blog concept.
Thanks for a great and truly useful review! I got a mini sample bottle of the Pjur Eros lube, and it really is as good as you say.
Pretty cool post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
that I have really liked reading your blog posts. Anyway
I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!