Put your feet in the stirrups and gently spread your knees apart, folks. It’s time for the golden Douche Awards! This exciting new feature awards adult products that that try too hard and yet still miss the mark. Can’t imagine someone would actually reference a lame pop culture trend to sell sex toys? Feast your eyes on the not-so-fresh feeling “Inked” Vibe from California Exotics.

"Yo, look who's packin two double A's. ME. That's who."

Looks like this vibrator drunkenly stumbled into a tattoo parlor and picked the first design it saw on the wall. The result? It gives me exactly the same sensation I get when I see John Gosselin in an Ed Hardy T-shirt.

The douche chills.

Or Criss Angel fresh from a trip to Hot Topic.

"By the power of douche skull!"

Either way, none of these tools are getting inside me.

Merry Christmas, Folks!

by Perry Gallagher

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #56? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #58? Use our submission form and submit it before Sunday December 20th at 11:59pm PST. Be sure to read our submission guidelines.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Win a Kama Sutra Weekender Kit Deadline: December 17th @ Noon Eastern.
• TLL Year One Giveaway Deadline: December 19th @ 11:59pm Eastern.
• Winter Hotness Giveaway Comments and Questions Deadline: December 30th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• We Screwed Up Deadline: January 1st.

Looking for something other than reviews?
e[lust] #2

Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

• My Mini Miracle Massager by Epiphora
• Doc Johnson Remote Control Vibrating Egg by Joan Price
• Cal Exotics iTap G-Vibe by EffinSara
• Evolved Novelties Red Diamond Vibe by EffinSara
• InfraRed Massager by CarrieAnn
• Wonder Vibe by Eliot
• LELO Mia by Sammi
• Better Than Chocolate by Epiphora
• Evolved Novelties Red Diamond Vibe by Dani Darling
• Natural Contours by Joan Price
• Rosa by LikeSunshineDust
• I Rub My Duckie by The Duchess
• Turbo 8 Accelerator Double Vibro Bullets by Mistress Dartmouth
• Engagement Finger Ring by Melen’s Rayne

Dildos

• LELO Ella by Alley
• Tantus Curve by Wilhelmina Wang
• Tantus Acute by EffinSara
• Boy 1 by Saraid
• Don Wands Pink Bent Graduate by Mystyfi
• Tantus Alumina Revolve by Kaijah
• Turbo 8 Accelorator Vibro Bullets by Alley

Anal Toys

• Tantus Alumina Pace by Alley
• Bend Over Beginner Kit by Dani Darling
• Tantus Ripple by Ashley

Toys for Cocks

• Cyberskin 3″ penis extension by Hubman

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Babeland Massage Candle by True Pleasures
• Babeland Massage Candle by Sexorcism
• Good Clean Love Gift Set by Carrie Ann
• Carnal Pleasures Kit by MrsThomasJohnson
• Kama Sutra Sensual Bathing Gel by Carrie Ann
• Jimmyjane Afterglow Candle by Carrie Ann
• Intimate Organics Body Souffle by Carrie Ann

BDSM/Fetish

• Lavish Nipple Clamps by Alley

Adult Books

• Erotic Slavehood by Mistress Kay
• Fetish by Mistress Kay

Adult Movies/Porn

• Rough Sex by Carnivalesq

Storage

• Lockable XL Case by Juliettia

Lingerie

• Dreamgirl “Office Tramp” by Sarahbear
• Red Satin and Lace Gown by Melen’s rayne

Miscellaneous

• Wind-Up Strokin’ Santa by Sammi
• Fun Factory Teneo Uno and Duo by Essin’ Em
• ToiBocks by Carnivalesq
• Mini Nipple Suckers by Dani Darling

To thank me for my continued patronage a well-known novelty company informed me that I would receive a free Doc Johnson Gourmet Power Pleaser.  With a name like “Power Pleaser” I fully intended to pound it like a Jager shot. That is, until I opened the box and found something just a fraction more exciting than a boiled turnip.

Meh.

7 inches of institutional-beige, the color of “you can do better.”  Was the Power Pleaser was designed by a committee of bank tellers? Geez!  I swear I’ve seen this somewhere before..like the back page of Cat Fancy, circa 1975. How fitting. This is a vibrator only a crazy cat lady could love. Oooh, a twist-cap base. How novel. Let’s turn it on!

I am serenaded with a soothing, non-offensive hum. Is it true that your sex toys reflect your personality? Am I really this boring?  I stifle a yawn but the malaise has already set in. The Doc Johnson Power Pleaser has already begun to sap my will to resist. I better put some food out for the neighborhood cats that are starting to hang around.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

15 Minutes later: I’m nowhere near my O-Face yet but it really doesn’t matter. I’ve got things to do, cat’s to feed. With a will of it’s own my free hand wanders to the clock radio and sets it to the easy listening station. Funny, I never liked Celine Dion before but now I realize my heart truly will go on.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 days later: What I like about the Doc Johnson Power Pleaser is the fact that it is so inconspicuous. I can walk around and perform everyday tasks with it and nobody seems to notice!  It’s like when I quit my job the other day to head up my local Celine Dion fan club.  Nobody batted an eye when I used it to punctuate my sentences during my commencement speech – not even Mr. Whiskers or Commander Fluffy Paws and you know what a tough crowd they are.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

4 Days later: Batteries and cat food sure are hard to come by when you’re living in a cardboard box with no definable source of income. That’s ok. I have to travel light if I want to keep up with my French-Canadian Goddess. I heart you, Celine!

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

1 Week Later: Stupid animal welfare just showed up and took away my last fan club assistant. Who, may I ask, is going to lick all the stamps for these fan letters? Answer me that.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 Weeks later: Friends and family have abandoned me but they were just distractions anyway. It’s like when Celine sings, “Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure, remains the cure, ALL BY MYSELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLF…..” Her bodyguard tries to act like she doesn’t know me but if that’s true why does she keep sending me telepathic messages through my Power Pleaser?

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 Months Later:  It’s a good thing this Doc Johnson Power Pleaser gives me the power of invisibility. I’ll need it to get close enough to touch her.

Local blogger arrested for brandishing a sex toy at a Celine Dion concert.

Snow Bunny by carvenaked

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #55? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #57? Use our submission form and submit it before Sunday December 13th at 11:59pm PST. Be sure to read our submission guidelines.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Hitachi Magic Wand Giveaway Deadline: December 9th.
• OhMiBod Freestyle Giveaway Deadline: December 10th.
• Gee, Baby. It’s Cold Outside – Winter Giveaway! Deadline: December 11th @ Noon Eastern.
• Luxury Sex Toy Scavenger Hunt Deadline: December 12th @ Midnight Pacific.
• Are You Curious? Deadline: December 13th @ Midnight.
• TLL Year One Giveaway DEADLINE: December 19th @ 11:59pm Eastern.

Looking for something other than reviews?
The latest edition! e[lust] #2

Editor’s Pick

• Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Ashley

At the core of the book is this: it is very, very difficult to study human beings sexually in a scientific setting. Science and sex are both delicate things and no normal human being is going to act the way they normally do while doing the down and dirty if they’re being watched, probed, evaluated, hooked to machines, and so on.

Note: Some EP’s are picked because of the review itself and some are picked because the product made me go “Oooooh, want!” This one is definitely the latter. That’s not to say the review isn’t good too, it’s just overshadowed by my desire to read this and everything else by Mary Roach. Will you have the same reaction?

Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

• OhMiBod Freestyle by Mystyfi
• Santa Duckie by Sammi
• My Mini Miracle Massager by Laurel
• LELO Elise by Eliot Bodem
• Lipstick by Sammi
• Lovemoiselle Cecile by Toygirl
• Venus Butterfly by Alley
• Jimmyjane Little Chroma Inked by Amber from Scarlet’s Letter
• Turbo 8 Accelerator Micro Bullet by Curvaceous Dee
• Mystic Wand by Beautiful Dreamer
• Speeding Bullets Armor Piercing Bullet by Amorous Rocker

Dildos

• LELO Ella by Eliot Bodem
• Tentacle by True Pleasures
• Anthro Dragon by True Pleasures
• Bette by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Tantus O2 Rascal by Carrie Ann
• Silicone Splash Dolphin by Carrie Ann
• Jollies Jollet by Carrie Ann
• Soft Serve by Epiphora
• Raquel by Epiphora
• Fun Factory Curve by ripley61

Anal Toys

• P-Spot Vibrating Plug by namelesschaos
• Little Flirt by Lady Evyl

Toys for Cocks

• Tenga Egg – Silky by True Pleasures
• Tenga Flip Hole and Fleshlight by Champagne and Benzedrine
• Tenga Egg by Dani Darling
• Fleshlight Ice by Undressed Reviews

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• ID Glide by Undressed Reviews
• Coochy Shave Creme Collection by Melen’s Rayne
• Coochy Protection Mist by Melen’s Rayne
• JimmyJane Contour I by Saraid

BDSM/Fetish

• Zeus Electrogasm by N
• Angel Whip by Mistress Kay
• Ring Gag by Alpine Subdreams
• Delrin Cane by Melen’s Rayne
• Leatherbeaten Tingle Whip by Sleeping Dreamer
• Silver Tweezer Nipple Clamps by Mistress Kay
• KinkAcademy.com by Nadia West
• Josephine by Alpine Subdreams
• Japanese Bondage Rope by Mistress Kay

Adult Movies/Porn

• The Opening of Misty Beethoven by Laurel
• Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes Scene 2 by J.D. Bauchery
• Torture Toys by FrzKey
• Dorm Life 18 – Cum Hard Or Fuck Off by The Porn Librarian
• Seven Minutes In Heaven: Coming Out! by J.D. Bauchery
• School Of Masochists – Perfect Edition by FrzKey

Sex Furniture

• Inflatable Tilt Master by Undressed Reviews

Lingerie

• Lace Top Thigh Highs by Carnivalesq
• Brocade Corset by Joanna Cake
• Tantric Satin Ties Eye Mask by Alley

Miscellaneous

• Spareparts Theo Harness by Carnivalesq
• P Style by Garnet Joyce
• Smartballs Part I and Part II by Joan Price
• Spareparts Theo Harness by Sleeping Dreamer
• Spareparts Joque Harness by Amber from Scarlet’s Letter
• Spareparts Joque Harness by Epiphora
• Liberator Fascinator Throe by Britni TheVadgeWig
• Kegel8 Tight & Tone by Joanna Cake

Are you impossibly wealthy and searching for the perfect gift for your much-younger arm candy love of your life? No need to get testy, Lord Fancypants McSpendsalot. What you and Bubbles shared in the Champagne Room was special-no doubt she only does that stuff to buy school supplies for blind Afghan children. That said, this list of gold digger approved luxury sex toys may keep her from unplugging your respirator on Christmas morning.

The Ecstasy Bottle Stopper

Made by Baccarat and Frederic Panaiotis for Ruinart. Who knew?

A bottle of of Dom Ruinart 1996 is $159.99. A crystal wine stopper in your ass? Priceless. Visa truly is everywhere you want to be.

The X4 Penis Enlargement Kit

Hopefully the instruction manual isn't in Korean.

Nothing says “what recession?” like a $495 traction device for your pork and beans. At first glance the X4 Penis Enlarger might not strike your loved one as romantic but once you’re the size of Johnny Wadd you won’t have to care.  (One Saudi business man paid $50,000 to have his X4 encrusted with diamonds and rubies. Fancy!)

                                   The Caesar Sex Machine 

Good Heavens Darling, I didn't say I AM a sex machine. I said I HAVE a sex machine!

Sometimes it’s better to avoid needless exertion of sex and just let the robots take care of it. Lucky for you, this handy fucking machine costs a paltry $1499.00. Good Lord, you could probably find that in your couch cushions!

The Lelo Yva Vibrator

"I must say, this brings out the gold in your tooth."

Would the lady like an 18K gold plated clitoral massager to match her grill? At only  $1,500.00, the Lelo Yva is a steal.

The Dream Love Chair

No cup holder?

$6,500.00 may seem like a steep price for the Dream Love Chair but your Wonder Pet is 18 young and you qualified for AARP when people still paid to watch Gallagher smash watermelons. It stands to reason you’ll need some assistance in the bedroom unless you want to use your Mexican gardener as a stand-in.

 The Amore Bay Hot Tub

Should you find yourself needing disturbing holiday stocking stuffers or a last minute gift for a baby shower (in a meth lab) Hustler makes baby clothes.  Let’s just close our eyes and let that sink in…

 Hustler. Makes. Baby clothes.  Oh God.

The shit has hit the fan.

As the saying goes, “And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was.. Larry Flynt?”

pull by aeric meredith goujon

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #54? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #56? Use our submission form and submit it before Sunday November 29th at 11:59pm PST. Be sure to read our submission guidelines.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• What Are You Thankful For? Deadline: November 26th.
• ToyDemon.com Gift Certificate Giveaway Deadline: November 30th @ noon Eastern.
• The S Spot Sexy Short Story Contest! Deadline: November 30th.
• Luxury Sex Toy Scavenger Hunt Deadline: December 12th @ midnight Pacific.
• Tons of Glass Contest! Deadline: December 27th @ 11:59 Eastern.

Looking for something other than reviews?
The latest (and first) edition! e[lust] #1

Editor’s Pick

• LELO Elise by Scintillectual

Remember when I said I was on hiatus from relationships? Well, I lied. I know, I know! I can hear my friends railing now about the fact that I jump into things too quickly and yes, she has already moved in with me. But, really, I do think she’s THE ONE. Before you get all hot and bothered, let me introduce you. Dear reader, this is LELO Elise.

Note: Apparently I’m loving LELO reviews again this month (last week’s EP was LELO Ella)! I’ve read many many Elise reviews so they have to be special in order for them to catch my eye or make me want to finish them, and this one is written in an extremely entertaining manner so even if you’re burned out on LELO reviews like I thought I was it’s definitely worth the read.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

• Mini Gallant by Dani Darling
• Thumbelina by Undressed Reviews
• Cal Exotics Spellbound “G” by Alley
• OhMiBod Club Vibe by Mystyfi
• Lovemoiselle Cecile by Laurel
• Jimmyjane Iconic Bullet by Sexorcism

Dildos

• Colorful Spiral Wrapped G-Spot Wonder by Melen’s Rayne
• Zodiac by Joanna Cake
• Fun Factory Curve by Curvaceous Dee
• Jollies Thrust by Carrie Ann
• Tantus Alumina Flow by Carrie Ann
• Purple Rain Wand by Kyle Jones

Toys for Cocks

• Tenga Flip Hole by Tales from the Porn Store

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Jimmy Jane’s Contour M + Afterglow Sensory Set by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Bare Essence Gift Box by Dangerous Lilly
• System JO Aroma Mist by Alley
• Root Beer Fizz Lube by Tales from the Porn Store
• Sliquid Organics Stimulating O Gel by Lady Evyl
• Flower Balm by Garnet Joyce
• Sliquid Organics Stimulating O Gel by Sexorcism

BDSM/Fetish

• Spartacus Wide Tip Bat by Wilhelmina Wang
• Leatherbeaten Bondage Kit by Melen’s Rayne
• Silk Scarf Restraints by Sommer Marsden
• Slave Utility Wrist Cuffs by Mistress Kay

Adult Books/Games

• Anneke Jacob’s As She’s Told by Nadia West
• Frenzy – 60 Stories of Sudden Sex by Dangerous Lilly
• The Art of Sensual Female Dominance by Mistress Kay

Adult Movies/Porn

• Blacklight Beauty by Saraid
• Nina Hartley’s Guide to the Ultimate Sex Party by The Duchess
• Impure Hunger by J.D. Bauchery
• Glamour Smoke by FrzKey
• Deep In The Vivid Vaults by The Porn Librarian
• The Masseuse by J.D. Bauchery
• Haitoku No Shojo – Girl of Debauchery by FrzKey

Lingerie

• Industrial Net Stockings by Valyn

Miscellaneous

• Sportsheets Chest Harness & Dildo by Dragon Mage
• KinkAcademy.com by Dangerous Lilly

Have you ever wondered sort of person actually buys edible underwear? Let’s peek in on this Wasilla housewife and find out.

Hi Sweety, Welcome home! How was your day?

“Why am I dressed like this” you ask?

 Oh Todd, what a silly question. These happen to be my new edible undies. I bought them from that place we picketed out by the airport. -wink!-

What do you mean, “Why did I encase my love clam in stale fruit leather?“

Jeez, did you fall off the snowmobile again? My intense repression and infantile approach to sex, of course!  Thanks to my religious programming it’s impossible for me to actually vocalize what I really want. And what I really want is for you to risk the fires of h-e-double-hockey-sticks to give me some..ahem.. “lip service.” Hence the stale fruit leather panties.

Are you getting the picture yet?

What on earth do you mean “Why don’t I just come right out and ask for it?”

Remember what the Pastor said! And by josh, you know I can’t even say the word “vagina” without giggling like a hysterical idiot. By the way- if your lips just happen to graze my nether regions while you nibble I can’t be held spiritually accountable. You, on the other hand, will be committing an abomination against God. An abomination.

Eternal damnation never tasted so good.

 Hope you brought your appetite!

For more comics that do not suck check out Natalie Dee’s kick ass website.