Home > Sex Toys > X-Rated Holiday Gift Guide: The Rich Chumps Edition

X-Rated Holiday Gift Guide: The Rich Chumps Edition

Are you impossibly wealthy and searching for the perfect gift for your much-younger arm candy love of your life? No need to get testy, Lord Fancypants McSpendsalot. What you and Bubbles shared in the Champagne Room was special-no doubt she only does that stuff to buy school supplies for blind Afghan children. That said, this list of gold digger approved luxury sex toys may keep her from unplugging your respirator on Christmas morning.


The Ecstasy Bottle Stopper

Made by Baccarat and Frederic Panaiotis for Ruinart. Who knew?

A bottle of of Dom Ruinart 1996 is $159.99. A crystal wine stopper in your ass? Priceless. Visa truly is everywhere you want to be.


The X4 Penis Enlargement Kit

Hopefully the instruction manual isn't in Korean.

Nothing says “what recession?” like a $495 traction device for your pork and beans. At first glance the X4 Penis Enlarger might not strike your loved one as romantic but once you’re the size of Johnny Wadd you won’t have to care.  (One Saudi business man paid $50,000 to have his X4 encrusted with diamonds and rubies. Fancy!)


                                   The Caesar Sex Machine 

No Dear, I didn't say I "was" a sex machine. I said I HAVE a sex machine.

Good Heavens Darling, I didn't say I AM a sex machine. I said I HAVE a sex machine!

Sometimes it’s better to avoid needless exertion of sex and just let the robots take care of it. Lucky for you, this handy fucking machine costs a paltry $1499.00. Good Lord, you could probably find that in your couch cushions!


The Lelo Yva Vibrator

"I must say, this brings out the gold in your tooth."

Would the lady like an 18K gold plated clitoral massager to match her grill? At only  $1,500.00, the Lelo Yva is a steal.


The Dream Love Chair

No cup holder?

$6,500.00 may seem like a steep price for the Dream Love Chair but your Wonder Pet is 18 young and you qualified for AARP when people still paid to watch Gallagher smash watermelons. It stands to reason you’ll need some assistance in the bedroom unless you want to use your Mexican gardener as a stand-in.


 The Amore Bay Hot Tub

Yet another reason for a Showgirls Part 2.

This heart bedazzled luxury spa retails at $17,000 with a wireless, totally submersible hot tub stereo system, strategically placed water jets, mood lighting, and a “playground” area. After all,  isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas?  This will also be the place where you’re most likely to have a Viagra-induced heart attack so hopefully an Amore Bay defibrillator is in the works.

Happy Holidays!

  1. December 6, 2009 at 12:46 am

    I’ll go for the bottle stopper and the Yva please. Oh, and what the hell – the spa pool as well. *buys lotto ticket and crosses fingers*

    xx Dee

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