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Hairy Situations

Once upon a time I took a dream vacation to the north of Spain, trekking through medieval towns and mountain hamlets with the love of my life. Doesn’t that sound magical? It was, with one minor set-back: I was suddenly locked in the cruel grip of hyperemesis gravidarum, otherwise known as severe morning sickness. What was once a pleasure-seeking mission quickly turned into a search for food that didn’t make me hurl. Just a word of warning: When your guide book tells you to expect “simple country fare” it’s actually code for “bloody animal limbs hacked off with stone-age tools.”

Call me a yuppie for wanting my food to come with a pre-cook bikini wax as opposed to a 70’s bush. I just happen to prefer meat detached from it’s hide. Hair, hair, everywhere..springing from every entrée like a bad dream. Thick, black barnyard-stench ridden bristles that I had to pick from my teeth like a Jersey Shore Hooker. (That’s an exaggeration- Jersey Shore hookers don’t have teeth.) Anyway, this story inevitably brings me to subject of the Kong Realistic Dildo: 9 inches of rough-hewn manliness and not a half-bad looking slab of meat. Unfortunately, when my eyes drift down to it’s curly, black soul patch I can almost feel myself clutching a Spanish toilet seat.

"HORF!"

Disculpe, ¿Dónde está el baño?

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