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TEEN DREAM

Back in my tween days we liked the bad boys. My bedroom walls were a testiment to rock-n-roll gunslingers who looked like they would pound you like a screen door in a hurricane. Oh, how I longed for some tattoo-laden cock wizard to appear and relieve me of my virginity. But that was so long ago and I want to see who’s making the young girls cry these days. Let’s take a look at the new generation’s “hottest popstar.” I can’t wait!

People's fastest selling issue! (In Vatican magazine stands.)

Wait a minute. Just what in the ever-loving-neutered Hell is this?  Jesus Christ, Kid. Quit looking at me like I’m a buttered corn cob.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not a Catholic priest but this lil’ romeo does nothing to blow up my cassock. 

Now I’m not saying this is a 25 year old chapstick lesbian masquerading as a 16 year old boy. What I am saying is if this is what makes your teenage daughter’s heart skip a beat you might as well stock up on flannel shirts and Home Depot gift cards for the wedding. (Fuck Prop 8.)

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