If you’ve worked in a sex shop for any length of time then you already know what it means to commune with the undead. That is because all sex shops are magnets for a very peculiar type of zombie – only this one isn’t looking for brains. No, this one endlessly walks the earth in search of sex toys that don’t exist.
Now gather round friends, and listen to my spooky tale of smut shop terror.
Zombie: Do you have male masturbators?
Sex Store Clerk: Why yes, of course. Here they are.
Zombie: But do you have ones that do all the sucking? Like do all the work so I can just lay there?
Sex Store Clerk: Well, almost all male masturbators are used manually.
Zombie: I don’t want to have to move. I DON’T WANT TO MOVE.
Sex Store Clerk: Uh..they do exist but something like that would be very expensive. How much are you looking to spend?
Zombie: Under $20.
Sex Store Clerk: That doesn’t exist.
Zombie: Why not?
Sex Store Clerk: Becaused it’s not logistically possible to-I mean the raw materials alone would cost you-
Zombie: (Interrupts.) So you don’t have male masturbators?
Sex Store Clerk: No. We don’t have male masturbators that will suck you off.
Zombie: While I just lay there?
Sex Store Clerk: No, I mean, yes.. While you just…lay there.
Zombie: Do you have any on sale?
Sex Store Clerk: Male masturbators?
Zombie: I mean ones that will suck me off while I just-
Sex Store Clerk: (Claws at face.) YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!!!!!