I love the idea of sex furniture. Why? Because I am a control freak. Short of wearing spurs I’d love any appliance that let me ride shotgun. With this in mind my quest began through sex shops high and low for the perfect “facilitator.” The Liberator Shapes looked like..pillows? The Monkey Rocker was a love match but it’s $800 price tag left it out of my clutches and they don’t rent to own. The Sex Swing intrigued me but what I was really looking for was something that would provide me with a “reverse cowgirl fuck-frenzy” at a bargain price. Then I discovered Pipedream’s Fetish Fantasy Sex Stool.
Could it be?
It’s as if the liner notes were written especially for me.
“Weightless sex!” Check.
“Less thigh strain.” Talk to me.
“Bounce up and down!” Yes Lord.
“Only $75” It is written.
In no time I was ready to rock on down to Monkey Town. When I got it home I tore into the box to find something inside not unlike your standard hunting stool. Indeed, its lightweight design and low profile made it seem ideal for hunting and capturing the wily trouser snake. The only difference was the nylon webbing had been replaced with two thick sheets of plastic that Pipedream calls “TPR.” You’d think this substance would have some kind of elasticity or “spring.” You’d think. (Hey Kids, this literary device is called “foreshadowing.”) My date was set to arrive in an hour so I decided to give it a test run.
I plopped down on it enthusiastically to realize my terrible mistake too late. There was no bounce. NO BOUNCE. The clear butt-flaps spread apart and I fell through it, arms flailing like a panicked turd unwilling to go to its final destination. Clearly a metaphor for my life.*
With legs akimbo and the cold tile floor against my ass I contemplated my embarrassing reality. I couldn’t get out. What kind of tomfuckery was this? I decided this had to be some kind of practical joke. The president of Pipedream was twiddling his waxed mustachio and cackling maniacally as he stared into a hidden webcam of me squatting miserably like an x-rated hermit crab. Was this assault on my dignity payback for some shitty review? After all, they do produce my favorite vibrating bullet. Should I just mend my ways and start writing unironic, sarcasm-free product descriptions for Sky Mall?
On second thought- Fuck you, Pipedream.
Update! I’ve been informed by Sleeping Dreamer that I may have gotten a defective model. (She loves hers.) That said, I am going to see if I can exchange mine so I can re-evaluate my opinion. Stay tuned for more tomfuckery.
* As Tyler Durden says, “You are not a unique snowflake. We’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.”