Recently I received a letter from a reader wanting to know if it’s safe to suck on sex toys. Needless to say, this question prompted me to run my fingers through my thick, auburn hair, slip into a diaphanous nightgown and wander through my Zen garden in a reverie of deep, dreamy contemplation. Here’s the conclusion my sensual journey led me to:
If your sex toy is clean you can stick it in your piehole.
If your toy has been in someone else’s piehole you’ll need to disinfect it first.
I love the word “piehole.”
Just make sure the material is phthalate-free. And if you’re not sure what your sex toy is made of or where it’s been, take some advice from a few of my old friends..Vodpod videos no longer available.
If you’ve worked in a sex shop for any length of time then you already know what it means to commune with the undead. That is because all sex shops are magnets for a very peculiar type of zombie – only this one isn’t looking for brains. No, this one endlessly walks the earth in search of sex toys that don’t exist.
Now gather round friends, and listen to my spooky tale of smut shop terror.
Zombie: Do you have male masturbators?
Sex Store Clerk: Why yes, of course. Here they are.
Zombie: But do you have ones that do all the sucking? Like do all the work so I can just lay there?
Sex Store Clerk: Well, almost all male masturbators are used manually.
Zombie: I don’t want to have to move. I DON’T WANT TO MOVE.
Sex Store Clerk: Uh..they do exist but something like that would be very expensive. How much are you looking to spend?
Zombie: Under $20.
Sex Store Clerk: That doesn’t exist.
Zombie: Why not?
Sex Store Clerk: Becaused it’s not logistically possible to-I mean the raw materials alone would cost you-
Zombie: (Interrupts.) So you don’t have male masturbators?
Sex Store Clerk: No. We don’t have male masturbators that will suck you off.
Zombie: While I just lay there?
Sex Store Clerk: No, I mean, yes.. While you just…lay there.
Zombie: Do you have any on sale?
Sex Store Clerk: Male masturbators?
Zombie: I mean ones that will suck me off while I just-
Sex Store Clerk: (Claws at face.) YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!!!!!
Behold, the Banana Bunker: Protector of bruised fruit, comforter of lonely housewives and grand prize winner of our “Household Sex Object” Contest!
No, Dole isn’t cornering the market on marital aids. The Banana Bunker is marketed as a lunchbox accessory ostensibly designed to protect bananas from bruising. Which brings me to my next question: What’s up, Choosy Moms? Little Timmy not getting his daily dose of schoolyard beatings? If you’re really concerned about his “bruised fruit” perhaps you shouldn’t send him off to face the playground bully with this ridiculous cooch-baster protruding from his backpack.
As for you, Little Timmy- Did your Mother put this in your lunchbox? Run, Boy, RUN! Run for the hills! Run while you still can! There’s always the circus.
-Congratulations D-Ray and thank you for your fruity submission. You win prizes.
Do you like free stuff? How about free stuff from TabuToys.com? Just send your suggestion of a common household object that isn’t a sex toy (but should be) and you’re in the running.
How do you enter? Use your imaginations, sick ones, and send your household sex idea to dollfacekilla (@) mail.org. Make it hilarious and the funniest submission wins a $20 gift certificate from TabuToys.com. Your name and details will remain private and not sold to Romanian white slavers. (Most likely.) Contest ends 8/31/09.
Like most sex kits, the Bedroom Party Pak is a repackaged assortment of odds and ends swept up off a Chinese sweatshop floor. To get a better understanding of what this mind-numbing box of stupid is all about, we’ve decided to climb inside the head of the unfortunate girl on the package.
Care to join us?
“OH. MY. GOD.
What in the day-glow HELL am I doing here? I have a degree in physics for God’s sake. Do these jerk-offs know that “pak” is spelled like “pack” or are they just trying to be cute? Jesus Christ, I hate that font. If those American Idol people called me back maybe I wouldn’t have to be a walking advertisment for “duh.” Crap! The director is asking for a sexy smile. Better pop another Oxycontin.
Get a load of that puke-green vibro cock ring. Who designed that, Lorena Bobbitt? Maybe they should have called her instead. Oh well, gotta pay the rent. Great-Now I’m the face of “Big dumb box of jelly sleeves that 1979 doesn’t even want back.” I’m going to kill my agent.
Seriously, this Guido here is about as appealing as a bucket of AIDS. How about a little space, Captain Rape Face? And do you have to stare at me like you want to wear my skin?”