Groovy Vibes for $4.95

Once you go black you can go back (to the ER.)

Rascal™ Toys Ass Thumper

This lower intestine massager comes to us from Rascal, Topco’s gay toy division. Due to it’s 10″ size it will never be my bottom bitch but it does have a few decent features. I like the nice bubbled texture and it’s got the kind of motor that will rattle a size queen’s fillings. So what’s the problem Chi Chi La Rue? No flanged base. NO FLANGED BASE, SHE SAID.

Butt Fuckery 101: Unless you plan on going spelunking, any inanimate object you stick up your ass needs a wide base. Damn, didn’t we all learn that in 3rd grade? See, your colon works a little bit like a vacuum. Use a regular non-flanged vibrator and you run the risk of hoovering it to Neverland Ranch. Think of it as your bumhole’s attempt at humor-only this little joke will leave you in “stitches”. Awww yah! Zing!

I'll be doing stand up at the next RNC convention.

 

The Housewife’s Friend

The lady of the house spends her days ironing, mending, cooking, cleaning and buffing her well-behaved children to a glossy shine. No idle hands for this happy homemaker! A spotless home, a homecooked meal and a ready smile await her adoring husband. What’s her secret?

"Once the kids are asleep I'm going to ride this pony like Dale Evans on Dexedrine."

Antique Smut

When taking tea at Grannie’s you might just be tempted to check out her amazing cache of prescription drugs. And when you do, don’t be surprised if you happen to come upon this blast from the past hidden behind the Roux Hair Rinse and the Werther’s Originals..

What’s up with the nervous laughter, Chucklefuck? The Vibra Massager happens to be a “refreshing” finger-shaped dental appliance. See? It says right here on the label that its  recommended by Dentists.  I’ll wager your sweet Meemah used to crank up the Victrola and spend many long and happy hours stimulating her sensitive gum tissue into the wee hours of the morn. Sigh…That must explain her beautiful smile.

Uh oh.

Doesn’t Grandpa still have all his teeth?