Gapes of Wrath

Ahhh the anus.. what a many-splendored thing.

"I'm going in."

For most people it’s solely the continuation of the digestive tract. For others, a taboo pathway to pleasure. And then there’s some folks that like to treat it like a storage locker. Bowling pins, baseball bats, catcher’s mitts..is there anything on God’s green earth that someone won’t shove up their gaping maw? Look in on any hardcore anal forum thread and that answer will be a definitive “No”, followed by the sounds of soft weeping and prayers to Sweet Baby Jesus. Let’s take a peek:

Jack in the Crack

I don’t like fast food. Somehow it doesn’t agree with my goal of not wearing a shower curtain as a sarong. Additionally, I don’t like it when huge fast food conglomerates attempt to part me with my money by using kid-friendly corporate mascots. Take our friend “Jack” for instance.

When I see ads of that pompous golf ball shilling fecal burgers I just really want to tee off that motherfucker into the face of the sun. How on earth they compel logic-impaired people to stick those things on their car antennas is God’s own mystery. Next thing you know they’ll be conning people into shoving them up their asses. What’s next? Corporate mascot butt plugs?  Ha ha..

 I am your master.

Insert. Consume. Obey.

 

Once you go black you can go back (to the ER.)

Rascal™ Toys Ass Thumper

This lower intestine massager comes to us from Rascal, Topco’s gay toy division. Due to it’s 10″ size it will never be my bottom bitch but it does have a few decent features. I like the nice bubbled texture and it’s got the kind of motor that will rattle a size queen’s fillings. So what’s the problem Chi Chi La Rue? No flanged base. NO FLANGED BASE, SHE SAID.

Butt Fuckery 101: Unless you plan on going spelunking, any inanimate object you stick up your ass needs a wide base. Damn, didn’t we all learn that in 3rd grade? See, your colon works a little bit like a vacuum. Use a regular non-flanged vibrator and you run the risk of hoovering it to Neverland Ranch. Think of it as your bumhole’s attempt at humor-only this little joke will leave you in “stitches”. Awww yah! Zing!

I'll be doing stand up at the next RNC convention.