Sex Toys That Suck Golden Douche Award

 

Put your feet in the stirrups and gently spread your knees apart, folks. It’s time for the golden Douche Awards! This exciting new feature awards adult products that that try too hard and yet still miss the mark. Can’t imagine someone would actually reference a lame pop culture trend to sell sex toys? Feast your eyes on the not-so-fresh feeling “Inked” Vibe from California Exotics.

 

"Yo, look who's packin two double A's. ME. That's who."

 

Looks like this vibrator drunkenly stumbled into a tattoo parlor and picked the first design it saw on the wall. The result? It gives me exactly the same sensation I get when I see John Gosselin in an Ed Hardy T-shirt.

 

The douche chills.

 

Or Criss Angel fresh from a trip to Hot Topic.

 

"By the power of douche skull!"

 

Either way, none of these tools are getting inside me.

The Power Pleaser Vibe: A descent into madness

To thank me for my continued patronage a well-known novelty company informed me that I would receive a free Doc Johnson Gourmet Power Pleaser.  With a name like “Power Pleaser” I fully intended to pound it like a Jager shot. That is, until I opened the box and found something just a fraction more exciting than a boiled turnip.

Meh.

7 inches of institutional-beige, the color of “you can do better.”  Was the Power Pleaser was designed by a committee of bank tellers? Geez!  I swear I’ve seen this somewhere before..like the back page of Cat Fancy, circa 1975. How fitting. This is a vibrator only a crazy cat lady could love. Oooh, a twist-cap base. How novel. Let’s turn it on!

I am serenaded with a soothing, non-offensive hum. Is it true that your sex toys reflect your personality? Am I really this boring?  I stifle a yawn but the malaise has already set in. The Doc Johnson Power Pleaser has already begun to sap my will to resist. I better put some food out for the neighborhood cats that are starting to hang around.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

15 Minutes later: I’m nowhere near my O-Face yet but it really doesn’t matter. I’ve got things to do, cat’s to feed. With a will of it’s own my free hand wanders to the clock radio and sets it to the easy listening station. Funny, I never liked Celine Dion before but now I realize my heart truly will go on.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 days later: What I like about the Doc Johnson Power Pleaser is the fact that it is so inconspicuous. I can walk around and perform everyday tasks with it and nobody seems to notice!  It’s like when I quit my job the other day to head up my local Celine Dion fan club.  Nobody batted an eye when I used it to punctuate my sentences during my commencement speech – not even Mr. Whiskers or Commander Fluffy Paws and you know what a tough crowd they are.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

4 Days later: Batteries and cat food sure are hard to come by when you’re living in a cardboard box with no definable source of income. That’s ok. I have to travel light if I want to keep up with my French-Canadian Goddess. I heart you, Celine!

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

1 Week Later: Stupid animal welfare just showed up and took away my last fan club assistant. Who, may I ask, is going to lick all the stamps for these fan letters? Answer me that.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 Weeks later: Friends and family have abandoned me but they were just distractions anyway. It’s like when Celine sings, “Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure, remains the cure, ALL BY MYSELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLF…..” Her bodyguard tries to act like she doesn’t know me but if that’s true why does she keep sending me telepathic messages through my Power Pleaser?

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 Months Later:  It’s a good thing this Doc Johnson Power Pleaser gives me the power of invisibility. I’ll need it to get close enough to touch her.

Local blogger arrested for brandishing a sex toy at a Celine Dion concert.

A Heartfelt Apology.

For more touching greeting cards, visit Someecards.com.

Vibro the Clown

Well Howdee do, lil’ fella!

When a vibrating sex clown comes a-callin’ you know you’ve been huffing some bad shit or you’re about to get chopped to pieces. But seriously, won’t you just look at that cute little hat and those dead, dead eyes? Cute as a button. (A button that wants to kill you.)

Look here “Vibro”, why don’t I just put you on my nightstand so we can play “Bride of Chucky” by the light of the full moon. Like, you know, when you come alive and try to cut my throat in my sleep. Fuck you, Clown.

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