Once you go black you can go back (to the ER.)

Rascal™ Toys Ass Thumper

This lower intestine massager comes to us from Rascal, Topco’s gay toy division. Due to it’s 10″ size it will never be my bottom bitch but it does have a few decent features. I like the nice bubbled texture and it’s got the kind of motor that will rattle a size queen’s fillings. So what’s the problem Chi Chi La Rue? No flanged base. NO FLANGED BASE, SHE SAID.

Butt Fuckery 101: Unless you plan on going spelunking, any inanimate object you stick up your ass needs a wide base. Damn, didn’t we all learn that in 3rd grade? See, your colon works a little bit like a vacuum. Use a regular non-flanged vibrator and you run the risk of hoovering it to Neverland Ranch. Think of it as your bumhole’s attempt at humor-only this little joke will leave you in “stitches”. Awww yah! Zing!

I'll be doing stand up at the next RNC convention.

 

Pleasurists #52

via looklook

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #51? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #53? Submit it here before Sunday November 1st at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Note: Apologies for being late yet again, I was so hoping not to be this week. In case you don’t follow Pleasursts on twitter I was in the hospital for a few days and sans laptop. Sorry!

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Feedback Contest Deadline: November 6th.
• They say it’s your birthday! Deadline: November 8th @ midnight Central.
• Welcome Kevin of XHale Glass to the Community Interview! Deadline: November 9th.
• Happy Blogiversary to Me Contest! Deadline: November 18th.
• Gender Carnival! Deadline: November 21st @ midnight Eastern.
• The S Spot Sexy Short Story Contest! Deadline: November 30th.
• Luxury Sex Toy Scavenger Hunt Deadline: December 12th @ midnight Pacific.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Dontcha Put It In Your Mouth

Recently I received a letter from a reader wanting to know if it’s safe to suck on sex toys. Needless to say, this question prompted me to run my fingers through my thick, auburn hair, slip into a diaphanous nightgown and wander through my Zen garden in a reverie of deep, dreamy contemplation. Here’s the conclusion my sensual journey led me to:

If your sex toy is clean you can stick it in your piehole.

If your toy has been in someone else’s piehole you’ll need to disinfect it first.

 

I love the word “piehole.”

 

Just make sure the material is phthalate-free. And if you’re not sure what your sex toy is made of or where it’s been, take some advice from a few of my old friends..

more about “Dontcha Put It In Your Mouth“, posted with vodpod

Pleasurists #51

via slutsoft

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #50? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #52? Submit it here before Sunday November 1st at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Blogiversary blowout: oodles of sex toys Deadline: October 27, 2009 @ 11:59 p.m. PST.
• They say it’s your birthday! November 8th @ midnight Central.
• Happy Blogiversary to Me Contest! November 18th.

A Halloween Haiku

 

             Candy corn.

                  Like satan’s teeth you compel me.

Anti-climax.

 

 

And for those of you who don’t mind the soul-crushing letdown that is Candy Corn..

A neat recipe for a Candy Corn Dildo

Fang Job

Is there really a man in the world that wants to feel more teeth during a blow job? I’ve never had to ask that question until I discovered the Count Cockula Fleshjack.

Obviously, vampires are trendier than bacon right now thanks to shows like True Blood. I get it. Really, I do. I’ve seen better acting on Saved By the Bell and yet I watch this show with the same religous fervor that makes lonely cat ladies watch the Young and the Restless. I mean, you’d think this show’s target would be Goth chicks who compulsively snack on toilet paper, yet here I am watching the annoying little girl from “The Piano” clomp around the deep south in Keds on the off chance I might see this guy:

Damn you,  Sheriff of Area 5.

Sex Toys That Suck: The Undead Edition

If you’ve worked in a sex shop for any length of time then you already know what it means to commune with the undead. That is because all sex shops are magnets for a very peculiar type of zombie – only this one isn’t looking for brains. No, this one endlessly walks the earth in search of sex toys that don’t exist.

Now gather round friends, and listen to my spooky tale of smut shop terror.

Zombie: Do you have male masturbators?

Sex Store Clerk: Why yes, of course. Here they are.

Zombie: But do you have ones that do all the sucking? Like do all the work so I can just lay there?

Sex Store Clerk: Well, almost all male masturbators are used manually.

Zombie: I don’t want to have to move. I DON’T WANT TO MOVE.

Sex Store Clerk: Uh..they do exist but something like that would be very expensive. How much are you looking to spend?

Zombie: Under $20.

Sex Store Clerk: That doesn’t exist.

Zombie: Why not?

Sex Store Clerk: Becaused it’s not logistically possible to-I mean the raw materials alone would cost you-

Zombie: (Interrupts.) So you don’t have male masturbators?

Sex Store Clerk: No. We don’t have male masturbators that will suck you off.

Zombie: While I just lay there?

Sex Store Clerk: No, I mean, yes.. While you just…lay there.

Zombie: Do you have any on sale?

Sex Store Clerk: Male masturbators?

Zombie: I mean ones that will suck me off while I just-

Sex Store Clerk: (Claws at face.) YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!!!!!

A Heartfelt Apology.

For more touching greeting cards, visit Someecards.com.

What will they think of us?

40,0000 years from now a superior life form will land on earth and excavate the contents of our landfills in hopes of understanding our civilization. What is that one object that, like the Mayan Calendar, will be the key to unlocking the mysteries of our once-mighty culture?

Naturally, it will be the Hairy Cherry Magnetic Muff Game.

Oggmork and Xagnooble have been digging for months with no luck, when suddenly…

Oggmork: Praise Zog! It appears to be a juvenile rendering of a humanoid female. Could it be a deity of some sort? A talisman! I can actually feel its powerful energy coursing through my tentacle!

 Xagnooble:  No, Oggmork. This is what was once called an “adult novelty item.” This form of low humor was designed to elicit chuckles from imagination-impaired fuckwits.  Like edible underwear.

Oggmork: Looky here Xag! I can use the pen to draw a mustache on her zapdoodle. Astoundingly clever! As they say, Zog does work in mysterious ways.

 Xagnooble: (Sighs, his tentacles now sagging with despair)  There is no Zog.

Pleasurists #49

Oh My I’m Naked! via DeviantArt

 Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #48? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #50? Submit it here before Sunday October 18th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Butchtastic First Birthday Contest Deadline: October 15th.
• Blogiversary blowout: oodles of sex toys Deadline: October 27, 2009 @ 11:59 p.m. PST.
• They say it’s your birthday! November 8th @ midnight Central.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr